Let it go

For all those times when i went "I HATE THIS COURSE"... I take it all back. FOr now my life has come to a standstill. I have worked so bloody hard for this, not passing would be the worse thing that could happen to me. i loathe the hard work, but i want the degree.

I know i didn't study very well for my horses on thursday. it was the 4th consecutive exam in a row that week and i don't sleep well on exam days. this means that i have been sleep deprived for a good 4-5 days already. I was studying, i was remembering, but i wasn't understanding it wholely. perhaps the reason why i didn't do so well on thursday.

I received the much dreaded phone call on friday afternoon when i was in the car. I couldn't stop crying. and when i did, i'd start again whenever i think of the possibility that i might retain.

Retain? Ahh.. whatever, Take another whole year of this nonsense? NO!!!! do horse week again?? No!!!! so retain? No!!! pay another 40k?? NOOOO!!!

My parents were so nice, they kept telling me that it;s okie, that even if i fall, it's alright... But i cannot, i will not and i must not.

I've never been the type to accept failure like this. i absolutely cannot imagine myself retaining, going through another crazy year like this. absolutely not!

I studied so hard last weekend. i cry every now and then coz i panic and i think of the consequences of failure on monday. i tell myself that i cannot fail, it's do or die. but i know i have to accept the fact that i have done my best and that there's nothing i can do to change anything now. everyone has been telling me this. Sigh...... i understand, but i cannot fully accept it yet.

My exam just now went alright i think. but i heard from the admin personnel that i wont know my results until the 1st of december. by then, my family will be here. it's damn bloody too late. also, it's my dad's birthday!!

argh.. i should relax, but i can't. not fully at least.