Irrational fear

Am at the park now. It's a miracle I'm even here. I keep telling myself that I need to exercise that I have to exercise. I tell my parents, my siblings, even my clients. But yet it is so hard for me to go out to exercise.

I make up all types of excuses. It's getting dark, your friends are coming later, you have to cook. I'm too tired drom work  It's too hot, it's too cold. It could be the best sunniest yet cool day outside and I would find an excuse. 

I know I've always had this problem but I seriously think there is somethig wrong. Since the problem never goes away whether or not I am happy or depressed. 

I just an consious. Consious of what people think when I walk instead of run, consious of what people think when they see me not even running for 1 min before stopping. It doesn't matter if I am jogging with someone or not. In fact jogging with someone makes me more nervous cause I am so scared I cannot keep up. 

Now I'm sitting on the bench in the park typing this and I am thinking of 'what ate they going to think when you get up and walk home. This girl
Mist be strange blah blah blah' 

I know I know, I've heard it many times before, don't care what other people think, silence yourself with your iPod. No it does not work for me. And I hate myself for that. 

I thought maybe if I got an exercise machine in my house I'll work out at home. Well I guess I'll have to find that out. But I am broke. 

Moral of the story, I have to deal with this inner demon myself.