Is it worth it?

I have a lot on my mind these days. And I have a sneeking suspicion that it's because I don't blog anymore. Complaining out loud to friends and family and boyfriend was good enough for me in the last 1-2 years. But this one thing has been bugging me for a while, I speak so often of it and yet I can't get it out of my head.

My dearest grandma is in hospital now. Stricken with an arm bone fracture and spinal issue (not really sure what is going on). A scan revealed that her cancer has spread to her liver, lung and bone. I was told of the liver and lung thing few weeks ago. I just learnt of the bone thing not too long ago. Being a vet I know bone means not good news. SIGHHHHHHHHH

I knew this was coming. Yet I'm still really sad. No mental preparation can help with this sort of things. I've accepted the inevitable but... it's still sad.

I deal with grief every so often at work. I understand that I need to feel sad about things to get over them. But right now I'm holding back. Because I'm not prepared for the full out sobbing that can happen. Besides, it's not reality yet. It's inevitable but it's not real just yet.

Euthanasia and quality of life, I think so much and council my clients about this all the time. In this instance I cannot help but compare my grandma's situation of that of a dog. I love animals and it's no insult for me to think this way, but if my grandmother were a dog, who is a dog's equivalent of 80+ years ago, has cancer in liver, lung, bone and had breast cancer and chemo once before, would I want to continue treating my dog? I'm not saying of course that I think my grandmother should be put down. But do you honestly think there is quality of life for her to sit in a hospital bed or a bed at home all day, in pain? Or going through another chemotherapy session? The nausea, discomfort etc, all for what? A few years of more life in pain?

I know the other end og the argument. That all life is sacred and precious. That you are not to decide whose life ends. This is God's decision. That's why suicide committers are handcuffed in their coffins. Even if the life is their own it is not theirs, it was given to them by God and it's God's decision to end it as he thinks fit. I also know the other argument that a ending a life of someone who has no quality of life is saying that life is measured in a wrong way, that life is so sacred that it is belittling to think of it as not worth living even if you are bed ridden etc. But can you honestly look at someone in the eye who is suffering, with no known cure, that they are to live out the remainder of their lives as such? Like they are "riding along".

Oh well, no matter. Euthanasia of humans isn't permitted in Singapore anyway. And I can think of a billion reasons why it will never be permitted. For one, so many people are going to abuse this power.

I just hope she feels better by the day.